CA Final demands a lot more than studies

Alright guys! Today I want to share with you how I changed my life. What it was before and now, Read on:

The whole concept of Happiness that has been fed to our logical minds is just too much especially on social media where all these pages keep sharing pictures with motivational quotes and at one point, I used to try to relate it with my life, but now it just feels like a nonsense thing. It doesn’t touch my understanding to the level that I apply it in my life effectively for long periods of time.

I won’t say I was frustrated. No! I have been living a very normal straightforward life. Nothing extraordinary. But there was a lack. And I always thought it is the degree and the failures. This is the only thing that can bring me happiness and aliveness in my life. So I used to put all my thoughts energies into trying to study because I wasn’t content/happy with my situation.

I wanted to be a CA. I wanted to work in a Big 4 in the field of my choice. I wanted to be an expert in my field.

None of that was happening. I was extremely unsatisfied.

I used to look for satisfaction in material things. I would spend money like no one owned it. I have read a bunch of self-help books, videos, what not! I actually ended up making friends in that period who were completely directionless and rich. Partying, late nights, I thought this would fill the satisfaction gap. It didn’t.

Nothing did.

I started exploring spirituality, my friends as mentioned above couldn’t understand what my problem was. Honestly speaking, I was equally clueless. Those friendships fell apart very quickly. It doesn’t bother me though.

I never took the responsibility of any on my failures in exams.

1st attempt I failed because my father relocated to a new city and I did not have access to organized and planned classes

2nd attempt I failed because I did not have guidance.

3rd attempt my articleship was not good, I didn’t get good exposure.

4th attempt the syllabus changed.

For every attempt, I had shifted the blame to something or the other.

It was never me because I am smart, intelligent, and hardworking. If I am not passing it is the loss of the institute and the profession.

It wasn’t only CA exams the responsibility that I was passing on. All my daily activities. My weight, my skin, my greying hair at the age of 24, my health. I have literally spent 2 years of my youth simply living like a log of wood.

I have. No denying this fact.

There was a point I had considered committing suicide because I am born as a human being, right? Living like a log of wood can be frustrating in itself. Life wasn’t going anywhere. I am an ambitious person. I think everyone who opts for CA is ambitious.

I kept waiting for a miracle to happen. For someone else to take my responsibility and bring me out of this mess I created.

I would sit for meditation and my mind would play all kinds of games with me. and i ended up being more disturbed than I was before. 

I slept for 12-13 hours a day.

I did no physical activity, ate junk food in unmentionable quantities whenever given a chance.

I had zero involvement in household activities and my family. 

I had shunned the idea of taking any responsibility for anything at all. I was suffering, but I did not understand why!

Because I always thought, responsibility means I will have to take the blame when things don’t work out. It means I will have to work under a lot of pressure. I didn’t want to live a life like that. My logic told me, drop all responsibility, so that’s what I did.

Very recently, I started practicing yoga, proper guided yoga practices under a Guru.

I wanted to change, improve, clear my exams, be happy, live my life.

The first thing that my Guru told me was, if you wish to achieve your full potential as a human being, you have to take responsibility for the whole Universe. The Cosmos.

It shook my core. How could I take so much responsibility and still be happy?

I didn’t understand his intent behind it.

He said responsibility is ‘your ability to respond’ so when you give up on your ability to respond to situations and things and everything around you. You are giving up on your choice to be happy.

I was concerned about the blame and pressure.

He said responsibility is unlimited. But the action is limited.

So your limits are only upto your actions. For yourself, for the world, for everything, but being responsible does not require any action from you. You can be sitting in front of me and be responsible for the whole Universe.

I trusted my Guru. I followed his words and brought them into practice.

I took responsibility of where I was in my career today. My failures, my mistakes.
I started living differently.

I took responsibility of every word I spoke, every work I did and the quality of my studies, my work, my personal relationships changed drastically in a matter of a week.

I feel confident, and more involved in my life. I am calmer, more focused and productive. More alive. Just what I wanted. The gap in satisfaction is filling by itself.

Clearing CA final exams are something I want to do, I am studying with the intent. But I am happy either ways!

I am able to take deeper breaths, be more available and involved with people around me, my words and actions do not contradict anymore. The intensity is so huge, I can not put it in words.

Keep patience, reach out to someone who can guide you if you feel like you are stuck in your life. There is always a way. Always.