Lacking all religion posted: 4/16/2010
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."
The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day." Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."
What is intelligence? posted: 4/12/2010
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, ‘intelligence'?"
The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."
Crazy Laws in Georgia posted: 4/9/2010
- Members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while the state assembly is in session.
- Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs.
- Signs are required to be written in English.
- You have the right to commit simple battery if provoked by "fighting" words.
- No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday.
- It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroners office.
Yes, these are REAL laws in the state of Georgia.
Sounds of the Wild posted: 4/4/2010
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."
April Fool's Pranking Tips posted: 4/1/2010
At Home:
Swap newspapers: You'd have had to start planning for this from the previous year, and it'll work well if tried on someone who reads a particular newspaper daily. Save the newspaper from April 1 this year (keep it sealed in a Ziploc bag or something so that it's well preserved and doesn't look old). On April 1 next year, swap the new with the old newspaper. Let's see if they even notice :)
Sink spray: If you have a sink with a sprayer, put a rubber band around the handle when nobody's looking. This automatically keeps the nozzle in spray-mode. Make sure the nozzle is pointing up and outward. The next person to use the sink will get a nice splash!
Salt & Pepper switch: If you have little holders for your salt and pepper, switch the salt with white sugar and then watch your family's and friend's faces when they try their food! Better yet, if the shakers are non-transparent, just put salt in the pepper shaker and pepper in the salt shaker!
Annoying alarm clocks: Get a bunch of cheap alarm clocks, then strategically place (hide) them all over the victim's room and set them to alarm at various early times on the morning of April 1.
Plastic wrap on the toilet boil: Put clear plastic wrap over the toilet, between the bowl and the seat. Do this at night so it is harder to see. Then when someone goes to use the bathroom and sits down, SURPRISE!
Salty toothbrush: Put salt on the "Victim's" toothbrush. Wait around to see the nasty look on their face
At Work:
From the Boss, PLEASE SEE ME: Get to work a few minutes early (before co-workers get settled at their desks). Write PLEASE SEE ME in bold, capital letters on some sticky notes / Post-Its, and sign with the name of the most senior person in your office (who might have a reason to be upset with one of your co-workers). Stick them on a few co-workers' computer screens.
Delete desktop: Take a screenshot of the Victim's desktop (showing all the icons, shortcuts etc.). Set it as the desktop background, then proceed to delete each and every one of the items on his/her desktop (they can retrieve them later from the Recycle Bin). When the Person tries to click one of the items on their desktop, nothing will happen of course (because it's a background image lol). They might think their computer is hung up, and might reboot it a couple times, or call the I.T. department, who knows, just stay low when the trick is found out :)
Out of paper : this one is perfect for someone who's just clueless about technology. Tell the person that another department (or location) is out of copier paper and that you need him/her to fax a few blank pages to them, just enough to hold them until their paper shipment arrives. This would be perfect if faxing stuff is already a part of the person's daily routine/tasks, so it won't seem like a particularly unusual request.
Fake email notice about a burst of concentrated air: If you manage an office mailing list or work in the I.T. department (recognized name), you might be able to pull this one off. Send out an email notice to all staff, announcing that the phone company needs to clean the built-up dust out of the phone lines and that everyone should unplug their phones because a burst of concentrated air will be sent through the phone lines at a certain time, and that if the phone is not unplugged, the cubicle will fill with dust.
Foil Everything: This office prank should be performed in small offices or in an ofice wher ...click to read the rest
Finding a Chinese Jew posted: 3/30/2010
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again.
"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."
Tell me what I am posted: 3/27/2010
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.
The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"
The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"
Potato posted: 3/25/2010
Why did the potatoe jump off a building?
Because he wanted to be a mashed potatoe!
CAclubindia
