I am ruined....shattered...wasted!

Hello CACLUBINDIA, I know you guys are bored of reading the almost same depressing stories posted here every other day. But, what else we can do??? My brain feels like exploding any moment. I don't want anyone's sympathy or consolation. All I want is an understanding ear....to really understand all these words that follows.......... So, wondering where to start with....'start'...huh....it's only the 'end' that I see now. It was my bl**dy 5th attempt of CA Final and yet I failed. Believe me or not but I have always studied like mad for this CA. I may not have been a very bright student but I'm not that bad either. I have always been very very serious when it came to studies. I scored 92% marks in class 12 and got admission in one of the best commerce college of India. But every effort of . is now a waste. I studied very very hard for my first attempt of ca final (i.e Nov-11) but I fell sick few days before the exams and ruined my exams. I remember that my first exam i.e accounts went very bad n just after that exam, on my way back to hostel I went to a mandir n told Hanuman ji that I have not done well in exam and I don't deserve to pass this time n so bless me with only what I deserve. I never asked Gods to do any favour for me...all I asked him was to give me what I deserve. In my second attempt i.e May12 I studied very hard once again. This time I studied with proper planning n strategy. Exams went fine but I could clear only the second group. That attempt I crossed 40s deadline in all the 8 subjects but failed to cross the 400 deadline. (scored 388 in aggregate). My heart literally ached with this result coz I knew how hard I had studied. I literally went into depression and had to visit psychiatrist. Since then till today I'm on a anti-depressant pill called 'ESCITALOPRAM'. Once again I began preparing for the Nov-12 exams. This time the burden was less as I had to give only the 1st grp. Yet I studied as hard as I could. Once again the judgement day arrived n once again I failed. This time I scored 187 in first grp and 38 in Auditing. I was literally broken...I was hurt but didn't find it worth quitting after reaching so close to the finish line. Once again I prepared for November12 and this time my exams went super awesome....yes each n every paper went superb n I was really confident of getting through. Once again the judgement day arrived n I got the worst shock of my life to find that I have failed yet again.....I scored 192 (FR-41, SFM-55, LAW-50, Audit- 46). I was tired but had no other alternative but to study the same stuffs all over again. And I did the same. My preparation was good.....by now almost every questions given in Parveen Sharma for accounts and Rajesh Makkad for SFM were on my finger tips. But the honourable ICAI proved me wrong.....the very first exam of may 2013 was like a tight slap on my face. I could hardly attempt even 60% of the paper in 3hours. I was literally broken after giving so bad exam....I somehow gathered courage to move towards my home from the exam hall....I was wondering what's gonna happen to my life.....I reached home....didn't eat anything....locked myself in my room n cried for hours like a 2 year old kid. I tried to sleep but couldn't. I had realised it that day only that NOV 13 isn't for me yet I somehow gathered courage to study for the next exam, SFM......but ICAI very mercilessly punched another tight slap on my face. Even in SFM I could hardly attempt 60%. I was emotionless now. I studied n gave the other two exams but I knew that it's all going to be in vain. I realized that it's high time now and I should join a job somewhere instead of waiting for that futile results. Just after the exams, I left my hometown for MUMBAI and got a decent job in one of the top notch pharmaceutical company. This time when I saw my results, I was emotionless....I had cried all my tears after giving terrible accounts exam. I just feel so tired now. Life is being so cruel. More n more seriously I took it...harder n harder it became. I did all that can be done.... Parveen Sharma, Rajesh Makkar, Munish Bhandari, Surbhi Bansal and of course the practice manuals. I have not had Diwali since last 3years. I have disconnected myself from everyone....it's more than two years since I deleted my fb account. All my friends n even my juniors qualified but I couldn't. My girlfriend qualified in November11 and is working in a renowned MNC at Bangalore. And now her parents have even started looking for a suitable match for her. But all that is fine... The real pain that I'm in today is the pain of failing in exams inspite of my honest hardwork. I don't know what's the intention of ICAI behind such terrible exams....I'm not blaming or complaining about results....I m complaining about the kind of question papers they set for Accounts n SFM. If they want to produce quality chartered accountants then why they don't upgrade their study materials....Why ICAI is not investing in complete restructuring of it's outdated study materials????? And there is no denying of the face that the paper correction system of ICAI is very very unprofessional. Our papers should be checked by experts of each subjects and not by any newly qualified CA's. And even there are instances when these CA's give our papers to their articles for correction. I have seen some undeserving students getting unexpectedely high marks and vice versa. The entire academics related departments (Board of studies) of ICAI should be controlled by UGC.ICAI and it's council members have got no right to play with lives of youth of this nation. They are acting like dictators....whenever they feel like they turn the knob clockwise and whenever they don't, they turn it otherwise. For God's sake stop playing with our lives. If they can't manage such a huge crowd of students at IPCC and Final level then why they don't control results at CPT level. One can choose a different career path if they find themselves unable to clear CPT (because they are too young at that time and most of them are just done with schooling at that time). But what do we do now. Where do we go now???? Honest hardware yet no sound sleep is all I have got. I really feel ruined today. I am a qualified CS (litentiate member) but CA is all I wanted to be. But now I hate this CA course from the marrow of my bones. I can't take it anymore. I'm already 25 and I'm getting restless. I had so big dreams but everything's shattered into pieces. I even feel bad at my workplace when I see people of my age, who are qualified and are to me. I never thought life will be so worst for me. I feel more bad for my parents. I couldn't gather courage to speak to my parents after the results. Haven't talked to them since Wednesday nor have they called me. I know they love me more than anyone else in this world and even they are finding it difficult to speak to me. All this makes me so unhappy. It's 1.30 am....and I'm tired like hell.....and I have to get up early at 6.30 for office too....but can't sleep. Wondering, what was my mistake???? Wondering, where I went wrong??? Wondering, what will I be??? Honest hardwork yet no sound sleep is all I have deserved in life. Please, I don't need any sympathies.