What's the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.
When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
Why did God invent economists?
So accountants could have someone to laugh at.
What's an actuary?
An accountant without the sense of humour.
Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
They find bookkeeping too exciting.
What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
Invite an accountant.
What does an accountant use for birth control?
His personality.
What's the difference between the male sperm and an accountant?
The sperm has a 1 in 250,000 chance of becoming human.
What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
The accountant knows he is boring.
What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
What do you call an accountant who is seen talking to someone?
Popular
What's the definition of unlikely?
A photo-spread in Playboy titled 'The World's Top Accountants - Nude!'.
What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room?
Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
What did the terrorist who hijacked a plane full of accountants threaten to do if his demands weren't met?
Release one every hour.
What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.
What do accountants do for fun?
Add the telephone book.
What does an accountant say when you ask him the time?
It's 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait - 13 seconds, no wait - 14 seconds, no wait......
Why did the accountant stare at his glass of orange juice for three hours?
Because on the box it said Concentrate.
Why was the accountant so excited that he completed a jigsaw puzzle in only 59 weeks?
Because on the box it said 8-12 Years.
The accountant was visiting the
"How did you get such exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago and the guide said the dinosaur was two billion years old."
The accountant's prayer:
Lord, help me be more relaxed about insignificant details, starting tomorrow at 10.53:16 am, Eastern Daylight Saving Time.
Conversation between two accountants at a cocktail party:
".......and ninthly..."
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.
What does it mean when an accountant is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?
His desk is level
How do you know accountants have no imagination?
They named a firm PricewaterhouseCoopers.
There are three kinds of accountants in the world.
Those who can count and those who can't.
What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet?
Lost
How can you tell when the Chief Accountant is getting soft?
When he actually listens to Marketing before saying No
If an accountant's wife can't get to sleep, what does she say?
"Tell me about work today, dear"
When do accountants laugh out loud?
When somebody asks for a raise
Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays?
They can wear casual clothes to work
How does an accountant make a bold fashion statement?
He wears his grey suit instead of the blue
How do you know when an accountant's on holidays?
He doesn't wear a tie to work and comes in after 8.30.
What would Economics be without assumptions?
Accounting
What does CPA stand for?
Can't Produce Anything
What does FCPA stand for?
Finally Caught Pinching the Assets
What's an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
Why did he cross back?
So he could charge the client for travel expenses.
How many auditors does it take to change a light bulb?
How many did it take last year?
How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to check it was done within budget.
How many cost accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
Hmmm........I'll just do a few numbers and get back to you
Laws of Accounting
1. Trial balances don't
2. Bank reconciliations never do
3. Working Capital does not
4. Return on Investments never will
A fool and his money are soon audited
Accounting: a collection of figures running around looking for an argument
Accounting will prove anything. Even the truth.
Accountants carry their calculations to two decimal points just to prove they have a marvellous sense of humour
My accountant told me that the only reason why my business is looking up is that it's flat on it's back.
My accountant printed this year's balance sheet in colour - red.
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing
Accountants aren't boring people. They just get excited over boring things.
Old accountants never die. They just lose their balance.
Creditors have better memories than debtors
Who was the first accountant?
Adam. He got interested in figures, turned the first leaf, made the first entry, lost interest after withdrawal, buggered up the monthly accounts and raised the first liability.
What's a shy and retiring accountant?
An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.
A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?"
The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for."
A businessman hires a private detective to find a missing accountant.
The detective tells him that he needs a descripttion and asks a few questions.
"Was he tall or was he short?"
The businessman replies, "Both!"
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
A fellow walks into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says, "Can I help? Have you lost something? "
"No," says one of the doctors. "We're about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we're looking for a suitable stone."
A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?"
The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant."
The accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"
Accountant after reading nursery rhymes to his young child:
"No, son. When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep that wouldn't be tax deductible, but I like your thinking".
Wife to husband as they watch their young son playing:
"He's such a sensitive child. Let's wait until he's older before we tell him you're an accountant."
"The auditors have just left, sir."
"Did they check the books?"
"Very thoroughly."
"What did they say?"
"They want 15% to keep quiet."
A lady goes to see her doctor with some worrying symptoms and he examines her.
"I'm sorry," he says "but it's bad news. You have only six months to live."
The patient says, "Oh Doctor. That's terrible. What should I do?"
The doctor says, "I advise you to marry a CPA."
"Will that make me live longer?"
"No," says the doctor. "But it will seem longer."
An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm.
They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says, "You're pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?"
The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says, "One thousand, eight hundred and thirty two."
The farmer is amazed. "Exactly right", he says. "How did you work that out so fast?"
"Easy," says the accountant "I counted the number of feet and divided by 4."
The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient.
"This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart."
The patient is pleased. He asks, "What were their jobs?"
"One was a teacher and the other was an accountant."
"I'll take the accountant's heart," says the patient. "I want one that hasn't been used."
An accountant is talking to the young child of one of his friends and says, "Do you know what I do?'
"Daddy says you're a CPA."
"That's right. Did he tell you what CPA stands for?"
"Well, he says you're a complete pain in the arse."
The managing partner in an accounting firm is very annoyed with one of his junior partners and has called him in to chastise him.
"How could you possibly advise the client in the way you did? That was completely unethical. We are always conscious of Ethics in this firm. You do know what Ethics is don't you?"
The young partner is offended. "Of course I know what Ethics is. It's a county in southern
An Arthur Anderson partner comes back to his office and says to his manager, "Did you get my message where I said, 'Ship the Enron documents to the Feds'?"
The manager goes white. "Oh My God! I thought you said rip the Enron documents to shreds."
An auditor is checking the books of an airline. He is puzzled by the excess use of fuel on a
"It was late at night'" says the pilot, "
"I'm sorry," says the auditor, "but you'll have to bear the cost yourself."
"The cost of what?" asks the pilot.
"Of the bearings you lost."
An auditor was examining the balance sheet of a mining company that had just bought a sheep station in the Pilbara area of
"Hello," he said. "I'm the auditor. I've come to count the sheep."
JK/GJ
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