Corporate Phrases

For those of you who want to know what corporations really mean as they try to lure you into their culture,

below are translations of corporate phrases you might see and/or hear:

We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

Must be deadline oriented :

You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
Some Overtime Required :
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
Duties Will Vary :
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
Must Have An Eye For Detail :
We have no quality control.
Career Minded :
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
Apply in Person :
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
No Phone Calls Please :
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
Seeking Candidates with a wide variety of experience :
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
Problem-solving skills is a must :
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
Requires Team Leadership Skills :
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
Good Communication Skills :
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
I'm Extremely Adept at all manner of office organization :
Ive Used Microsoft Office.
I'm Honest, Hard-working and dependable :
I Pilfer Office Supplies
I Take Pride in my work :
I blame others for my mistakes
I'm Personable :
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I'm Extremely Professional :
I carry a Day-Timer.
I'm Adaptable :
I've changed jobs a lot.
I'm On The Go :
I'm never at my desk.
I'm Highly Motivated to Succeed :
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there