I am struggling through life since last 10-11 years, dont understand whats going wrong.... I daily cry, my mentality is totally disturbed. I sometimes feel like killing myself, and daily beg God to kill me, as I am not interested in this Life, not at all.....
Before I used to be a different person, used to help everyone, used to try and keep every1 around me smiling, HAD LOTS OF FRIENDS now daily I wish bad for few people, who I consider ditched me and that too at a stage when I needed them badly. I stay alone
This change in me, started when there came few friends in my life. I used to work as account assistant at that time. We (me, and other 3 - 2 girls and 1 boy), (dont wanna mention any names) were doing all well, were good friends, used to enjoy all others were articles at that time. I used to work as account assistant at that time. When suddenly one girl proposed me. I didn't understood anything. She was already in relationship with some other guy. I knew it, I asked her to be sane and continue with her old boyfriend, because she loved that guy and knew her from her school days..... her acts were annoying me..... then at last I took a decision of quiting my job.....becasue I always saw her as my friend. I did, unfortunately then I tried for CPT last time and passed, before that continuing with my job, I had already attemped 3 times for CPT... this time I passed with 131 marks, when I gave the exam most causually, ...... Then somehow I completed my articleship, my articleship period was also not good atall where my principal was never present in the office and I had a rough patch with my senior who was acting as a boss for me... atlast I fought with him for some genuine reasons, I placed my concern before my principal 4-6 times in brief meetings with him, and for the last year I quited and joined other CA firm and also worked with call centre to live my earnings. Some how I got my articleship certificate atlast.
Somehow I was struggling very hard and side by side was pursuing Martial Arts, which was about to yield me back for my last 6 years practice,- for I was now practising for black belt.
Suddenly again the twist came.... The girl msgd me on facebook whom I left for good reason ......
She made me realised that I was was the reason for her disturbed life and broken relationship...., , I decided to marry her as I didn't wanted to play love game, I never ever wanted to get in this game... I introduced her to all my friends, my Martial arts master, whom I praise from the bottom of my heart. - My guru.
I was very confused with my girlfriends behaviour, she didnt allow me to access her cell phone and some other things were used to make me question about her. I doubted her double crossing me, then came a break up, I broke up after having relationship with her for 2 months. she asked for it 3 to 4 times, but nderstood nowI didn't wanted to quit as I didn't want to play, never did thought so.
I really was in love with her this time and wanted to marry her. Inspite knowing that she was a bl**dy b*tch which I understand now, I fought for her with my parents, friends and quited on every one. I quited everything and everyone for her, just was thinking continuosly about her............. In this two months I did wrong things which I never thought I would do.... I lied so many people, defended her..... I lost my mother's trust.... who I praise next to God. I fought with her too.
Since I quited my job I never spoke with my other family members other than my mom. I was totally depressed.
And now after having relation with that bl**dy b*tch, I am feeling all down.... I feel like killing myself.
She passed CA, and now have even got engaged with the same person whom I beleived she was cheating with me for.
I really curse her from the bottom of my heart. I quited everyone for her.... even I fought with God daily..... went on my knees when ever I got any news about her.......
Today I feel like I am going to end my life. I don't have my parents besides me, nor any friends, neither anyone who can understand me .........
I feel like dead person only living because I breath..... there is no difference between me and a dead person..... whatever difference is left I wish it ends quickly.
I have no good job, no one to support me, and I have turned 28..... and on top of all this I am not passing my PCC.....
She quited me because I am not a "CA" ......, Is this "CA" degree so important than relationship......... Does this degree mean so much to people that they play with theirs and others life too.......
She has got engaged to a person who is not only a CA, but is also having CS and LLB. Wow thats so great of her.... So matured decision.....
What I know is God might forgive her but not me, not in any case......
I will curse her my whole life and even after death.... I struggled very hard, studied very hard, getting up at 2 am sleeping by 11 pm.... just to pass this exam.... still I did not.... Seems this is end of my life.... end of everything for me.
