Disorder in the american courts... ( freaakin hilarious)

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


LAWYER: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
LAWYER: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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LAWYER: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
LAWYER: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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LAWYER: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
LAWYER: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
LAWYER: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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LAWYER: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
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LAWYER: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: You're kidding me, right!?
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LAWYER: She had three children, is that correct?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
LAWYER: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different LAWYER. Can I get a new LAWYER?
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LAWYER: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
LAWYER: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
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LAWYER: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
LAWYER: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
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LAWYER: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that question?
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LAWYER: Are you qualified to give a blood sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
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LAWYER: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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LAWYER: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
LAWYER: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
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LAWYER: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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--- And the best for last: ---

LAWYER: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
LAWYER: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, he could have been alive and practicing law.