Grande Olde Blonde Joke
A man was in his front yard trimming his bushes when his beautiful, blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I’ve got mail!”
THREE EVENTS OF LIFE
Some people attend church three times in their life:
01. When they are hatched.
02. When they are matched.
03. When they are dispatched.
JUST LIKE THAT
1) If walking is so good for your health, then the postman would
2) A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water … and is FAT!
3) A rabbit runs and hops wherever it goes and ONLY lives 15 years!
4) A tortoise DOESN’T run and does NOTHING, yet it lives for 450+ years!
And YOU tell ME to exercise?! I DON’T think so! Now, I’m RETIRED, so go
WHO IS APPASWAMY??
During lunch break one afternoon at work, Rajgopalan and Shakaracharya were chatting….
Rajgopalan: Shankar, I’ve been working late every day since I have joined here & hence I got a promotion and very good bonus this appraisal.
Shankaracharya: How could it be Raj? Is that the only secret?
Rajgopalan: No, in the process of staying after office hours, I have also gathered a lot of General Knowledge; & my boss also asked me such questions at appraisal time.
Shankaracharya: Like what?
Rajgopalan: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
Rajgopalan: He’s the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you spent more time in office after office hours you would know this!
The next day, the same discussion took place:
Rajgopalan: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
Rajgopalan: He’s the author of “The 3 Musketeers”, if you spent more time in office after office hours you would know this!
The next day, once again:
Rajgopalan: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?
Rajgopalan: He’s the author of “Confessions”, if you spent more time in office after office hours you would know this!
This time, Shankaracharya got irritated and said:
Shankaracharya: And you, do you know who is Balachandra Appaswamy?
Shankaracharya: He’s the guy roaming with your wife every evening !! If you stop spending more time in office after office hours, you would know this!
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his Mother in the doctor’s office.
He inquisitively asked the lady, “Why is your stomach so big?”
She replied, “I’m having a baby.”
With big eyes, he asked, “Is the baby in your stomach?”
She answered, “He sure is.”
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, “Is it a good baby?”
She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.”
With an even more surprised and shocked look he asked,”Then why did you eat him?”
The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up and said, “I have to go back to the office – I forgot to lock the safe!”
The other partner replied, “What are you worried about? We’re both here.”
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100.
She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill.
On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney’s mind: “Do I tell my partner?”
Helping a Criminal
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.
A Kind Lawyer
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.
“Oh, well please come along with me then.”
“But sir, I have a wife with two children!”
“Bring them along! And you, come with us too!”, he said to the other man.
“But sir, I have a wife with six children!” the second man answered.
“Bring them as well! The more the merrier!”
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are every so kind. Thank you so much for taking us all with you.”
The lawyer smiles and replies: “No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall…”
An Intelligent Love Letter
1. The great love that I have for you
2. is gone, and I find my dislike for you
3. grows every day. When I see you,
4. I do not even like your face;
5. the one thing that I want to do is to
6. look at other girls. I never wanted to
7. marry you. Our last conversation
8. was very boring and has not
9. made me look forward to seeing you again.
10. You think only of yourself.
11. If we were married, I know that I would find
12. life very difficult, and I would have no
13. pleasure in living with you. I have a heart
14. to give, but it is not something that
15. I want to give to you. No one is more
16. foolish and selfish than you, and you are not
17. able to care for me and help me.
18. I sincerely want you to understand that
19. I speak the truth. You will do me a favor
20. if you think this is the end. Do not try
21. to answer this. Your letters are full of
22. things that do not interest me. You have no
23. true love for me. Good-bye! Believe me,
24. I do not care for you. Please do not think that
25. I am still your boyfriend.”
However, before handing over the letter to the girl, the boy told the girl to “READ BETWEEN THE LINES “, meaning-only to read 1,3,5,7,9,11,13,15,17,19,21,23,25 (Odd lines) go read it once again but the Odd Number lines..
YOU WON’T BELIEVE THIS!!!!!!!!
An Indian discovered that nobody can create a FOLDER anywhere on the computer which can be named as “CON”.
This is something pretty cool…and unbelievable… At Microsoft the whole Team, including Bill Gates, couldn’t answer why this happened!
Shift in Decision
A lady manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her office.
” What is your name?” was the first thing she asked the new guy.
“John ,” the new guy replied.
She scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.
I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker …that’s all.
I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”
The new guy sighed, “Darling…. . ……. My name is John Darling.”
” Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . ”
Jokes about men
^A couple is lying in bed. The man says, ‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.’
The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you……
^A man and his wife, now in their 60’s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.
On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger…. Whoosh….immediately he turned 90!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I’ll beat him to death.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder ‘Instruction Manuals’
The MENTAL HOSPITAL
During a visit to the mental hospital, one newspaper reporter asked the Director ‘How do you determine whether or not a patient should be admitted
to the hospital.’
‘Well,’ said the Director, ‘we fill up a bathtub, then we give a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub.’
‘Oh, I understand,’ the reporter said. ‘A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.’
No. the Director continued,
‘A normal person would pull the drain plug. Well……. Do you want a bed near the window?’