One liners !!

God is real, unless declared integer

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

The evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.

Death is hereditary.

There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.

An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Experience is what a comb gives you after you lose your hair.

Well done is better than well said.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

I have a drinking problem - I can't afford it.

Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go anywhere!

Love thy neighbour, but be sure her husband is away.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. Intelligence is not trying.

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

Are you telling the truth when you lie in bed?

When a woman says "No" she really means "Yes", but not with you.