Hillarious Quotes

“When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.”

 “What you call dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.”

 “When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.”

“I am so lazy that if there were work in bed, I would rather sleep on the floor”.

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures."

“When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.”

“Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... “

“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places”.

“Behind every successful man is a surprised woman”.

“There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”

“I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.”

“Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks”

“When asked by customs officials 'do you have anything to declare'
he replied "I have nothing to declare except my genius"

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."

"When people agree with me I always feel that I must be wrong."

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."