A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you
criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.