Words left unspoken- Life is what you make it- part 9
Part one Part twoPart 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8
Feb8,2011 – Kolkata- Radhika’s Birthday
Rachit had already met Radhika’s Mom during their (Radhika’s Family) Delhi visit in 2008. They had often talked on phone. She knew about their relationship and had accepted her daughter’s choice.
“Namaste Aunty…where is Radhika??”, asked Rachit while touching her feet.
Radhika’s Mom looked at him for few minutes shockingly, and then slapped him.
“Why did you do this to my daughter? This is what you call Love !!,” her mother said while shouting at him.
“She is in her room. Go and met her” and she completely broke down…
Rachit who was still in the shock advanced to Radhika’s room without uttering a single word from his mouth. There was hardly any sound inside the house. He charged towards her room alongside the balcony. He opened the door and entered the empty room. The room seemed dark as if all the happiness had been soaked out from it. He couldn’t find Radhika there. He found a diary with the title – “ Mishti (Rachit) and Shona (Radhika)”. He started to flip through the pages…
# 21st July, 2007- Today was the most beautiful day of my life. Finally Mishti has proposed me. I knew it was coming, but I never thought that he would be doing in such a fashion. Everything was so perfect about the set-up. Sea, candle-lit dinner, soft music and my Mishti. Today was the day when our eyes did the talking. We understand each other so well. A girl always dream of a person who loves him than anyone else. I trust him completely. I know he will never let me go. He will always keep me happy. He will always remain with me and love me unconditionally. I am so lucky to have you Mishti…love you a lot .
#7th August, 2007- I had the time of my life today…guess what...today was the birthday of my love- Mishti. I knew that he loves Nature and Music. We skipped our lectures and went for a romantic getaway. We explored the city together. I prepared Mishti (Bengali Sweet) for my Mishti. I even wore a red saree with large Bindi especially for him, as he always wanted to see how I look during our festival (Durga Puja). I gifted him a CD of our favorite romantic songs. I asked him to play the last track, and to his surprise it was a special birthday number recorded in my voice. It ended with “Ami Tomako Bhalo Bhashi”. I am madly in love with him…
“I love you because of what you do for me:
You encourage me when I'm down,
You make me feel good about myself,
You make me laugh,
You show me your love in so many ways.
Happy Birthday, my love and my friend!”
#13th September, 2007- It was a very tough day. 13th September,2003 is the day when Mishti lost his mother, and he still considers it a very unlucky day. This year it tested our relationship and Mishti’s courage. Today he left for Apollo Delhi and I didn’t met him for the one last time in Chennai. I will never be able to forgive myself for that. He needed me today,but I didn’t turned up. Nobody can understand a girl’s heart. I know my Mishti. On face he shows everyone that he is very tough, but in reality he is scared of loosing me. I was worried that he would broke down on the thought of being seperated from me. IIT was his dream and to do graduation together from here, was the dream which we shared after coming into this relationship. We had planned our future, our first job, our date of marriage, our dream house…everything…now there is a high probability that we won’t be studying together. But everything would become normal. I am with him and will always remain with him.
"I may not get to see you as often as I like. I may not get to hold you in my arms all through the night. But deep in my heart I truly know, you're the one that I love, and I can't let you go."
#22nd March, 2008- I am so happy that my Mishti had fought against all the odds and prove everybody wrong. I know CPT is just a first phase of a very long journey, but he will become a very good Professional. CA is something he never wanted to do, and though he has never shared with me I know he is still doing it half-heartedly. But I am with him. I will encourage him to love his current field. Today is a very important day for him. He is going to Delhi to start his Articleship and to take his PCC coaching. Being a B.tech student I dunno much about it, but I will Google the terms and visit ICAI site to learn as much about them as I can do ,so that I can also contribute in our discussions. I just don’t want to be a passive listener. If we are in relationship, it doesn’t mean that we will only talk romance and positive things. I want to share his problems. I want to be an active part of his life.
#30th September, 2008 – Why Mishti…Why?? I am not crying coz you shouted at me, but because you hang up the phone without even listening to my side. I was worried about you. You had fever yesterday and today your phone was coming switched-off from the morning. I just wanted to know whether you are alright or no. I know you are very careless when it comes to your health. You won’t go to a doctor. So, I asked mom about the medicines which you can take now. You said that I can’t see you happy, while the only purpose of my life is to see and keep you happy. Why would I be jealous of your friends? I am happy that you have found an awesome group in Diksha, Shalini and Nikhil. They have filled the void which was created due to your separation from your B.Tech group. I am happy that at least someone is there in Delhi to take care of you, when I am here at Chennai. Mishti don’t do this ever to me again. I really love you… :-'(
#8th Feb, 2010- Today is my 21st Birthday and everyone expects me to be happy. But how can I enjoy when my Mishti is not happy. He flunked in his 1st PCC attempt whose results were out yesterday. I wanted to talk to him. But he switched off his cell yet again. I wanted to tell him that the person who loves you never judges you. I am with you Mishti. I know you will clear your May, 10 attempt with flying colors.
I was hopeful that when Mishti will call me to wish me we will talk and sort it out. But he didn’t….I waited for him to greet me till midnight but he didn’t… I am not sad that he forgot my birthday, but of the fact that I couldn’t talk to the most important person of my life on such a special day.
#25thApril, 2010 – Things are not going well between me and Mishti. After his Nov.09 results he has started to take our relationship as liability. 14th Feb was the last time we shared anything and since then we only talked. I am missing my Mishti’s smile and our loving conversations. I am turning insomniac (one who suffers from insomnia i.e. sleeping disorder). We talk less and fight more…and to make it worse Mishti has left me alone to sob. I don’t want him to apologize. I just want him to love me like he used to. I keep thinking about this whole night. I dunno where I am lacking…may be it is my fault. He can’t be wrong. He is the one whom I loved and trusted. These things are not letting me sleep.
My health is deteriorating. My grades are suffering. My GPA has dropped from 8.5 to 5. In next Semester (7th Sem.) we have our placements and I have to come back on track before June. I don’t feel like talking to my B.Tech friends. I am feeling very alone here. I wish I could go back to Kolkata. I am missing my family…I feel like the love and happiness had been soaked out of my life.
“We're born alone, we live alone, and we die alone. Only through our love we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone”
#7th Aug, 2010- I was very excited today. I flew down from Chennai to Delhi to celebrate Mishti’s birthday in the similar manner we did in 2007. I really wanted to make him feel special today. Mishti was really tensed. His May 10, PCC result which was supposed to be declared on 5th August was postponed for today. We met at “Dilli Haat” at around 11 am. For the first time in the past one year we were actually talking. He was holding my hand and was also making me smile. Then suddenly someone messaged him that results were out. He opened the site on his mobile and the next thing which I saw was ocean of tears flowing from his eyes. He was crying badly in fact he was howling. I was shocked. I hugged him and then checked his mobile. His marks were as follows:-
Accounts- 43, Audit- 48, Law – 58 Total- 149 Fail
Costing & FM- 50, Taxation- 56, IT & SM- 42 Total- 148 Fail
Grand Total – 297/600 Fail without a single exemption.
I was tried to console him but he asked me to leave him alone. He accused me and our conversations for his unlucky result. He went away leaving me all alone. I tried to call him but he didn’t pick up my call. He didn’t even turn up to drop me at the Station. Although I was just going back from Delhi to Chennai, but there was a feeling as if I am going away from my Mishti’s life…it was a terrible feeling as if I won’t be able to see him in future. I wish this is just a fear and not reality. I won’t survive without him.
“I can’t live without you and can’t seem to live with you. Can’t decide whether to hold on or let go. Disaster everywhere I turn. Fire is burning my heart. Eyes filled with tears...Mind wondering, lost in your words”
#1st Jan, 2011 (New Years Eve) - I can’t take this pain anymore. When I say pain, I mean physical pain and emotional pain. It’s been 5 months that I and Mishti had last talked. I tried to contact him but he has blacklisted my number. Once I called him from someone else cell, but he disconnected the call after hearing my voice. I know he is not cheating me, but he is also suffering like me. I contacted his Delhi friends but no one has seen him from a while. He has also changed his hostel and may be his number too. He wants to be left alone. I know he will bounce back but only after proving his capabilities by clearing his exam. I can wait for him for the lifetime, but my body is not allowing me to do so. All those tranquillizers and sleeping pills are showing their effect now.
My liver has become very weak and I am showing zero-resistance to disease and possible negative reaction to other drugs. I usually bleed from my nose. I skipped my semester exams and also placements. I am in Kolkata now with my parents. Today whole word is celebrating New Year and someone has just wished me that this New Year brings peace, joy, good health and everything I desire. I just desire that my Mishti clears his exam with good marks and come back to me. I can’t live without him.
“Without you in my arms, I feel emptiness in my soul. I find myself searching the crowds for your face - I know its impossibility, but I cannot help myself.”
#1st Feb, 2011- I am finding it very difficult to grip the pen. I had vomited blood twice yesterday. Mishti it’s my birthday a week from now and I know you will definitely come. I am trying my best to hold myself till then. But those pills and drugs have caused permanent damage to me. I thought of curing my pain with the help of these drugs. I am suffering coz of my fault. I don’t want you to blame yourself. May be I didn’t trust our love and took the aid of these drugs to forget you.
If you are reading this from my diary then it means that I have surrendered to this pain. But don’t worry I have just gone out of this world and not from your heart. I will love you ever…forever…Shona
“This is not a goodbye, my darling, this is a thank you. Thank you for coming into my life and giving me joy, thank you for loving me and receiving my love in return. Thank you for the memories I will cherish forever. I love you “
Rathore CA Hostel, 3 A.M. – Delhi (Few days later)
It’s been more than 72 hours that Rachit has stepped out of his room. He was constantly crying and reading Radhika’s diary again and again. Finally he came out and moved towards the balcony of 3rd Floor. He thought for a while, looked at the stars, smiled and then jumped from there…
(To be continued)
Friends this was the best and longest write-up of my life. I can never justify Rachit’s behavior to ignore Radhika, nor his decision to commit suicide. Life is very precious and beautiful. I will try to explain it in more detail in 10th and last part of this series- Khushi Speaks.